terrible crossovers

For a thing recently I had to come up with the worst crossovers I could imagine so here they are.

A bad final season can’t erase the legacy of this HBO darling, which dives deep into the lives of guardsmen, sparrows, and street children caught up in the distribution of the city’s favorite vice: milk of the poppy. Winter is coming, so is local stickup man Omar Littlefinger. When you come at the King, you best not miss in A SONG OF ICE AND WIRE

On Labor Day, 1959, four young boys set out to locate the corpse of missing schoolmate Ray Brower, from which they contract a virulent strain of weaponized influenza which kills them and 99.4% of the human species. It’s Stephen King story you never knew you didn’t want: THE STAND BY ME

United under the God-Emperor Aslan, the forces of Narnia have conquered the known world. But when a playful kangaroo accidentally drop-kicks Aslan’s emissary down a well, his armies of apes and centaurs march on a tiny polity at the edge of the empire. In the face of impossible odds, Winnie, Piglet, Tigger and all the others must ripple their abs and form a phalanx, because the future of animal civilization is at stake in THE THREE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD

In this sun-drenched horror film, grieving psychology student Dani joins a friend’s retreat to the commune of the Scandinavian Halga. But her unresolved grief and her troubled relationship with her boyfriend take a back seat when Imperial Inquisitor Gideon Ravenor descends from the heavens to seek out the cultists of the Chaos God Slaanesh. The only thing worse than a heretic is a bear-etic in MIDSOMMAR 40,000

Mild-mannered London solicitor Jonathan Harker travels to the Carpathian Mountains to assist the business of local Count Dragul. But Harker soon begins to suspect that his sullen and unbelievably ripped host is far older than he’s letting on…and that he may once have worn the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon his troubled brow! Keanu Reeves contemplates the tree of woah in CONAN THE HUNGARIAN!

In this Judd Apatow dramedy, a hapless virginal electronics store employee must undertake the most difficult journey of his life: locating and assassinating Osama bin Laden. It’s THE ZERO DARK FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN

Seeking spiritual nourishment in battle against the Reapers, Commander Shepherd joins a local congregation, but soon becomes suspicious that the charismatic local priest may be indoctrinated. Why else would he have red eyes and weirdly effective healing powers? Find out in MIDNIGHT MASS EFFECT

Reporter Jerry Thompson must discover the secret meaning of a reclusive Tiberium magnate’s last words….”Peace through Power.” It’s CITIZEN KANE

Walter White’s plan to steal a trainload of precious chemical precursor for his meth business goes terribly wrong when the locomotive starts talking to him. Caught off guard, there’s only one thing Walt can do: try to sell to a new customer. Now Albuquerque must face the terror of its newest addict, THOMAS THE CRANK ENGINE

A teenager refuses to enter a swimming pool after a vision onvinces her that all the ladders out will be deleted and everyone will drown. FINAL DESTINATION…TYCOON?

Newlywed Rachel’s marriage is complicated by her simmering attraction to the planet-eating Lord of Chaos and ultimate enemy of all life. IMAGINE ME AND UNICRON

In a bunker somewhere beneath Berlin, four friends argue about who is responsible for losing the war. Bunker owner Jerry is worried about his property values, Elaine wants to flee to a cave in the Tunisian desert, George won’t admit that he forgot to order Steiner’s troops to attack, and Kramer keeps crashing into the bunker door. No hugs, no lessons learned, probably no survivors: It’s SEINFALL

Captain Kirk and his aging crew beam down for their retirement ceremony, only for a transporter accident to land them in a dusty Texas motel in Earth’s 21st century. Can they save Kirk’s distant ancestor Llewelyn Moss? Or does the integrity of the timeline require his death at the hands of the sinister Anton Chigurh? It’s THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

Kidnapped by the fur fanatic Cruella de Ville, the Dalmatians Pongo and Perdy have only one hope of survival: the revelations imparted to them by a mysterious black monolith. It’s 2001 DALMATIANS!

That’s all

13 thoughts on “terrible crossovers

  1. beans

    I hate these in that way where I was going “NO, C’MON” at most of them in absolute delight. Wonderfully goofy. Awful jokes in the fun way. Thank you, had a blast reading through these.

  2. MissAllen

    In late on this, but I haven’t chuckled so much in fiendish glee since the indictments came down.
    Loving Baru; halfway through #2.


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